Done and Done

The big things are finally done. In the last 24 hrs, my residence permit card has arrived and I received and accepted my housing offer and paid my deposit. Two more weeks of work and I am off to Turku. I will put my car up for sale starting tomorrow. Somehow it doesn't feel real, but I've also settled into it all. Even though, I don't exactly know what "it" is. I mean, I know what my program encompasses and where I want to go with it. I know the program is very rigorous. I think more than anything, I still can't believe I'm doing this. I can't believe it took me this long. So I actually can believe I'm doing this, I just get mad that I didn't have more confidence in myself. Then I'm mad that I'm dwelling on the past. Yes, that's a lot, I know. I really look forward to the heavy course load to redirect all of this brain matter.

Me and dad have been talking. It's very halted and hard to do. I bring in the mail and ask him how his day was. It's time to put my car up for sale and I ask him how to proceed. He always responds. I can read his body language. He's still not handling my leaving very well. But maybe like me, he doesn't want me to leave with us on such bad terms. I don't know how that will go. It's a start and that's all I want really.

Light at the end of the tunnel

When I started doing a lot overtime a couple of months ago, this all seemed impossible. I didn't know if I was accepted yet, but I always believed you speak things into being. So I expected the best, acceptance, and prepared for the worst, a second rejection, which I would not have handled well. As I said before, most of my friends and family were sure I'd be accepted this time. I guess somewhere in the back of my head, I felt I'd get it, but in the front, nonstop panic and constantly questioning the "how" of it all. You can't get student loans to cover your room and board. I didn't really want them, but I also didn't want anything to stop me.

And of course, the simple fact that I'm stepping out into the unknown. I've always considered myself reserved. Too reserved really. I need a plan just for the sake of having a plan. I need to know what's going to happen next or at least have a dozen different scenarios planned out ad nauseum.  I don't like surprises. So needless to say, this is a lot for me. I'm packing up my life, and cats, to move halfway around the world to get a master's. I know what I would like to focus on, but I don't know how it will translate into a job or hopefully a business.  I honestly feel like you don't really have any control over your professional life unless you are working for yourself. What kind of business would I start? I got no freaking clue!!!! See where I'm going here.  Yeah, me neither. Here we go.

Where are you going and what are you doing???

So picking up where I left off. Everything went really quickly from there. Emailing happened over the next two hours and Classmate was like, "I'm finna call YOU!" Right now? From Finland? Bruh, what time is it there!?! Fair warning, Classmate does not sound like that. He's very laid back actually and I'd freak out if he said any of these things in real like. He doesn't even curse, which is why I wonder why he's friends with my loud, vulgar ass. Anyway!! That's just how I'm hearing it in my head. This was a lot y'all. It was and still is a lot. An hour and half later, I had basically been told, "you need to get smooth the fuck outta there. Come get this master's degree and use that as a springboard to greatness and just thrive bitch thrive!!!!" He was sure I'd get accepted. Applications were due in two months. Ummm, whet!?!? I was trying to convince myself to even get off the couch. I was failing. I was so confused. I was so drained by everything in my life and this sounded like a great opportunity and I was just so tired. Too tired to move forward. By the way, that's what depression does to you. Get help. Sometimes you can't just fix shit by yourself.

So, Finland was now an option. Or at least I should make it an option. Finland's there. In northern Europe, so I should think about it? Why won't Classmate stop emailing me!?!! That was my brain at the time. I didn't know what I would do next outside of filling out an application. I knew I couldn't stay at my current job. I was not embracing the choice to settle into working at the conglomerate of a company. Why isn't this money making me happy?!?!? I had spent years as a broke journalist and convinced myself that was the missing factor. And back to Finland. It took a minute to calm my mind and just start to look over the programs more thoroughly. Being a history buff, I looked up the history of the country, which I knew nothing about. It was a part of a couple of empires before becoming an independent country in 1917. It's cold as hell there, which I later learned from personal experience. Small population, super hard language. None of this was making me gung ho for the country. I wasn't the most adventurous person before all of this shit I was going through. And where are the black people!?!? I asked Classmates this. Helsinki was the most diverse. I would not be in Helsinki.

Noooooope, nope, nope NOAP! If you hadn't noticed, I was looking for something you put the breaks on all this nonsense. Classmates' so crazy. I went to church that Sunday and told my aunt everything, from the two phone conversations, the email and the fact that I was paralyzed. She said she would pray and knowing that I had been in therapy in the past, she told me to consider seeing someone, even if was to just talk to our pastor and his wife. They both have master's in psychology and are big on promoting mental health. We fail miserably at it here in the U.S. Just the talk was a weight off of my shoulders. Also, she was so sure I'd be accepted.

I'll be honest, I was getting a little angry at that point. Mainly at myself. Like, why the hell can't I have the same level of confidence in myself that everyone else does? This is garbage! I decided, just take the next step, which would be reading the application requirements and process. I'd have help after that. I was terrified, but something, ANYTHING had to change. And it needed to be big. I was in a comfort zone. A miserable, depressed ass zone. Because let's be honest "comfort zone" is the wrong term. But I had settled into a very unhappy situation and despite how unhappy, I had resigned myself to sit there. Even with a possible out, I was just frozen. That first step took a lot. I had to keep telling myself, you'd only be losing some time. After about the 700th (seriously, it was a lot!!!) I actually started.