Preparing for the move has been more mentally draining than I expected. With the exception of this weekend, I'm working 50-60 hrs a week to have the money required to get a student visa. Seriously, Finland says you can't come here without money in the bank to the tune of $7,500. As I've said, I don't like my job and being there so much is rough, but it's what has to be done. The sad part is, I know I'm already burned out. I'm two months into these 50-60 hour weeks and I have to do it for three more months to make the money I need. That's why I went ahead and took today off. I'll be back to the grind tomorrow. I have a GoFundMe campaign that is going slower than I'd like. My family doesn't really have any money to contribute. Dad will sell my car, but it has to happen right before I leave. Living with him has saved me rent, but it's a rural area with no public transport, so I'll need my car right up until I stop working.
Then there are my parents. I had lunch with my mom as a early Mother's Day get together. To say our relationship has been strained throughout our lives is a bit of an understatement. We never really talked about much. I personally find it quite absurd to confide in your mother or parent about things. Don't ask me why. Oh yeah, because their life experiences are completely different from ours and they mostly refuse to accept that. She's proud of me and she says it. But our personalities are so different. My parents have also always been quite blatant with their uneven parenting among their kids. But calling them out about it, well you get the same reaction as say, kicking a puppy. It also doesn't help that I'm a bit of a stubborn asshole, a trait I share with my father. Of course then there's my father. The heavy drinking, heavy smoking man from a small town in Louisiana. I took after him in the heavy drinking category for a long time too. Our similar personalities lead to just as many clashes. I'm prone to brutal honesty, sometimes to my own detriment. Most attempts to filter myself fail miserably. My dad has clearly suffered from some type of depression for a long time, but he prefers to self-medicate with alcohol. His memory is not good and hasn't been for a few years. Mentioning his diabetes and Crohns disease are not valid arguments apparently. I've been back home for a year and the two years before that when I didn't live at home, I always came over on an off-day to help with one errand. It always turned into a full day of work. Checking to make sure his bills were paid, not because he didn't have the money, but because he forgot something was due. The sink full of dishes that are started to smell funny. He hasn't checked his email, which is how most of his bills come now that he's retired. He asks if I spoke to my sisters. Yes, I did. He hasn't heard from them in a week and a half. It's 3 p.m. and he's drunk to the point where his speech is slurring. I tell him he's has to drink less. He says he's not drunk.
I leave in three months. Not two hours away at my newspaper in Lake Charles or 40 minutes away at my apartment. Another continent. An eight time zone difference. I've been trying to make him do more of these tasks himself. A short workday for me is 10 hours, so I can't do it even I wanted to. I never wanted to. I wanted my off days. I wanted to wake up to watch a soccer match and be able to go back to sleep. I wanted help from sisters. Help that hasn't and will probably never come. The sink filled with his dishes, but he cleared them before they started to smell. He's going to physical therapy. A year late. The bills are mostly on time because I'm still checking behind him. Two straight 70 hour work weeks put me out of commission, so I don't know where it is now. There have been more arguments than talks lately.
When I went to Finland in January and February we had an argument two days before I left. I only talked to him three times while I was gone. He wouldn't answer the phone most of the time. I don't know how long it takes for animals to start losing weight, but the cats were visibly skinner. The litter boxes overflowing. This is a parent child relationship to him. It's the one he grew up in and what he expects from us. You don't talk back or disagree. You don't question unhealthy choices. You pick up all the pieces falling apart. And after doing that for well over a decade, you surely shouldn't expect your parent to watch your pets for two months while you abandon them! I mean, start working on a master's degree in a program you love. Nope, not even a little bit. But those were his exact words. I've heard many people make jokes of their parents acting like this. That's fine for them, but this is my life. This is a cycle, one of many I'm trying to break. It's not a joke. I can't do it. My determination, my anger, won't let me. I don't like the anger. Unless it's something they can brag about. Between the arguments, everyone knows that their child is getting her master's overseas. The master's they are not and can not contribute to. It's all about when it's convenient. But can I blame them? It took 34 years to accept that's where it goes. To ignore that they graduated from segregated schools and a government job was the measure of success. I'm over it all. Mostly exhausted from it all. I leave in three months. And I'm praying that it's not on these terms. I want things on better terms. I want to stop worrying about my dad. I just want things easy, even it's just for a little while.
*PS: title is a lyric from Outkast's International Players Anthem
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